the season in the desert continues…but I still believe…
Have you ever had the chance to read about someone’s personal journey? Have you ever had the chance to really hear what someone is experiencing through tough times, through the desert? Have you ever had the opportunity to really get to know someones heart, their wounds, the pain? I write my blogs for 3 reasons. The first, so that people will get to know me as just a human being that embraces GRACE. Second, to encourage people through being transparent, vulnerable and honest. Third, to let others that are in a season of “I don’t get it” know that they are not alone.
Almost 2 years ago I was sent into a world that I had never experienced before in my life. For the past 21 months I have been on an incredibly difficult journey. Everything about who I am, what I believe, who is God, what does Jesus actually mean to me, does He have a plan, am I valued, is God finished with me, is all the criticism about me true, am I washed up, is my career any career over? Was God’s call on my life real? Is there such a thing? Is this call finished? God created me and He knows everything about me, then why am I like I am? What are the good things about me? Why do I not walk to the beat of some of those that are the so called all together? Why do I dislike pharisee’s? All those questions and more I have faced every day.
Just when I thought I had a new job, within a weekend it was over, one time within a month it was over and too many times I didn’t make the cut. Do you know how that plays on a man? Just when you think you have heard about rejection suddenly now I have experienced it in so many ways. Applications filled out with no response. I actually have rarely had feedback on the reason why I was a no go. So, of course, how do you think I felt? Total rejection, over and over and over again. Look, I know, I’m healthy physically and believe it or not mentally too, but 2 years like this can and will wear a person down in some brutal ways. I would like to believe I’m spiritually healthy but even that is something I no longer consider as something to be claimed or even grasped as I daily seek, trust, vacillate, struggle and find at times a sort of solace by reading, writing, praying and hanging out with friends.
This blog is not a pity party. I want you all to know that these past almost 2 years have been absolutely something that I had never experienced and would not wish on anyone, really. While the world continues to go crazy with all sorts of shams, bamboozlers, calamities, talkers, and weirdness, I was facing things so dark, things said about me, things believed about me. Sure as I’m sitting here writing I know what I own and what I am responsible for without a doubt. The desert has a special way to break a person. The desert has a way like non other to get into a mans head and heart that caused me to wonder if life was really worth living. I mean really, if you can’t earn a living… what’s a man’s value? Right?
The inner pain that people feel when they are continually rejected, the inner pain that I felt not knowing my place, the inner pain that I was experiencing almost, almost gave way to the devil himself as I thought why not just finish this….
I have remained sober. I have remained faithful to Marcie, I have started working out daily, I have remained in a very human way faithful to the belief that God does have a plan and that I will get through this… and so to you all that read my blogs and know me as a friend…. God is faithful even though I still don’t know the what or the where or the why. I know what it is like to not hear from God for days, weeks on end. I know what it is like to watch others enjoy the simple things in life, you know, like dreaming about a new this or that, or thinking about how the raise and appreciation at their job will help with something, anything. But those thoughts are now long gone… and you know what? It’s o.k.
There was some kind of whittling down that had to happen in my crazy life. This desert, this lonely sojourn, this season had to happen. Please know that this period has also whittled down God speak and words that I no longer just use as a mantra for others to hear. I won’t pretend and I never have and you know that. It hasn’t felt like Jesus has carried me and that there are foot prints in the sand. I haven’t praised God in the midst of this period although I have talked to Him daily. I have cried out to Him daily but I didn’t do it because I was supposed to, or because somebody told me to, I did it because that is all I could do period.
I will honestly say that I still believe that God is not finished with me, that He is faithful to who He says He is and that I still don’t know much about tomorrow but I do know that any dream I had got crushed. Any thought of “Wow, this is going to…” got hammered and yet I still believe I have a purpose in this life and I’m still going for it period. All the opinions of what to do, where to go, how to, do this, do that, have all fallen short because I have done what everyone suggested… I have. My resume has been done, redone, done and redone. I say all this to say that I don’t think anyone, myself included would have thought that at 56 after some fairly good years in ministry that I would, you know, have no place to go. I did pretty well in sales back in the 90’s between ministry gigs but in this age not many want to hire a newbie. So here we are today. One day at a time and I do believe that in 2016… somethings brewing.
(I hope) and when the sun shines anew, you can bet I will blog about it and tell the world what God has done.
One last thing. To those like me that are going through a long, lonely, weird, dark at times, answerless, heartbreaking season, I can say that I do know that it’s best to tell God exactly what is going on, how you feel, where you are, your struggles, your lack of faith…. everything. He begins to show up in ways that will tell you…. He is there. He shows up sometimes just for a little bit, but you know it and that saves the day. Psalm 40